LOVE IS A TOUGH GAME

Over the last few days, you my dear readers, have posed some complicated questions in comments and email. I'm reminded of Lyle Wagoner's voiceover as the announcer in a skit from the Carol Burnett Show...

{insert cheesy, soap opera organ-music here}

Will Pernicia the Penguin return to Ranger's Report? Is the Cat-mas Story an original work of art...or was it borrowed? What are the details about Ranger and the Prince's story?

Really, children - must you ask such complicated questions? Can't you sense how weary poor Ranger is, bustling to and fro, wild with preparations to make Christmas at the Zoo the sooper-de-dooper event the kritters expect? Surely you don't expect clarity and logic as well? That's simply mad!

I'm trying to catch my breath, get the to-do list done and pondering the state of my sanity. Short & sweet - go ahead and spread the Cat-mas luv, it wasn't mine, I just snagged it from an email. I'll post snared-stuff in another colour from now on. Sadly, Pernicia won't be returning to the Report. Stanley convinced our brave girl that the witness protection program was the only hope for them to live and love in safety. I'm sure you understand.

And finally, today's skill testing question:

"So, if you kicked the Prince to the curb, why is he taking you to dinner and bringing presents...?"

The correct answer is:

A) I'm just THAT damn fascinating and he can't resist my charms.
B) The Prince is having an identity crisis and thinks he's a boom-e-rang.
C) It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

Before you answer, know this: if you call me fat, I'm gonna bitchslap you somethin' fierce. When you wake up...say, sometime around St. Paddy's Day, singing, "It's Starting to Look A Lot Like Christmas," people WILL laugh their drunken green asses off at you. Your choice.

Speaking of how dangerous love is, this [SNAGGED FROM AN EMAIL] made me laugh. Sometimes I really do feel sorry for men.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system...

Simple Duties

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1

You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings +5
But return with beer -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father -10

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -5

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she can't use -10
Such as a motorized model airplane -20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday -40

Driving

You lost the directions on a trip -4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal -25
You know them -60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) -5
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" -6
That woman is her sister. -90

You have one drink, and that's it 0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted -18

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk +3
Most of it chips and beer -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den +15
Or refinishing the floors +16
Or rewiring the basement +17
Or adding a second floor +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And you're really proud of it -15

You visit her parents 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear. -6
And you didn't even go to college -10
And it's not your underwear -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing +4
If you stink +2
If you're not half bad +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause -2

You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance -10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day -10
With her credit card -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big -40

Thoughfulness

You forget her birthday completely -20
You forget your anniversary -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station -45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey -50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast -60

A Night Out With the Boys

Go out with a pal -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15
You have a few beers -9
And miss curfew by an hour -12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call -20
You get home at 3 am -30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars -40
And not wearing any pants -50
Is that a tattoo? -200

Her Night Out

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late +10
You wait up +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed +20

A Night at Home

You watch TV together. 0
You rent a movie +2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2

A Night Out Together

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -3
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself +30
And she contracts Lyme disease -25

Makes perfect sense, oui? ; )