Wednesday, December 20, 2006

EGADS!! PEOPLE ARE SNAPPING

Shocking as this may be, I simply must share. I've received a threat of penguinicide by strangulation.

It was simply too much pressure for one reader, visiting each day, while Pernicia the Penguin flashed the countdown to Christmas. The blame is partly mine. She mentioned it often. I just wasn't listening to the warning signs. I understand how much stress the holidays add to already busy lives. I'm beginning to feel it myself. The perpetrator emailed me advance warning, claiming it was so I wouldn't be shocked when the RCMP came to notify me. Fortunately, I saw it for what it was - a desperate cry for help. I knew in my heart, this is not a person who wants to commit such a horrific crime.

I commenced with fretting. Oh my, what to do? For the sake of all parties involved in this nasty incident, I knew drastic action MUST be taken!! So, never fear, I've whisked our happy little penguin off to a safeigloo, where she is frolicking with Stanley the seal-guard. They're quite taken with each other. Rest easy my friends, all is well.

Pernicia has been replaced with this soothing display of Pointsettias, because really, can't we all use a little soothing right about now? One word of warning about the Poinsettia - they are poisonous to animals. If you own a cat who likes to keep you company during your blog visits, please DON'T let it lick the computer screen!!! Oh, will the dangers during the holidays never end?

Prince has bought a family gift and asked me to help him carry it into his room. It's in an enormous box, covered with a blanket, and one of the cats immediately claimed it for sleeping on. Prince expects the kids to stay out of there until Christmas. Mmhmm. Interesting concept. I'm sure it's going to work. *snort* What I'd really like to know is how he plans on wrapping it, or if he'll even bother.

There ya go - that's as creative as my segue into the rest of the blog will be for today. Have a good one! : )

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

1) Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

2) The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

3) If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

Your wife: I want a divorce.

You: I also got you some myrrh.

WHAT'S YOUR CAT DOING FOR CHRISTMAS?

This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from "Santa Claws." The tree went up yesterday, and so did we! Whee! Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased us out of the tree. So, as we do every year, we waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of these things humans call "ornaments." We call them "cat toys." Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just daring us to knock them off. And we're pretty good at it, considering all the trees they've decorated.

Every year humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of our range, forcing us to elevate our game to knock them off. Humans "ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. Us? We salivate in anticipation of the night's activities. The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas season, leaving us to play with our tree. Tonight is a challenge, the ornaments are at an all-time high. We crept under the tree and began to scale branches. This is great! A tree in our own home, why don't they do this year-round?

Five, six, seven branches, we climb like a pro. Ten, twelve, we are halfway to the top, and there is the first ornament! This is easy as Cat-mas fruitcake. We make our way down the branch approaching the first ornament. It lightly jiggles as our weight causes the bough to bend. Almost there! One paw away and we feel a shudder. Hey, something is not right here, we begin to lose our balance. The room is tilting! No, the room is not tilting ... the Cat-mas tree is falling! MRR-OWW!!

It seemed like forever as the tree leaned, then pitched, and finally crashed to the floor in a resounding bang of exploding bulbs, ornaments, and broken limbs. We quickly extricated ourselves from the splintered tree just as the Big Owner came bursting in snapping on the lights and talking excitedly. There we were, sitting next to the tree, as innocent a look on our faces as any other in the household.

"What happened?" he growled.

Not a peep from us, we turned and looked at the tree.

"I guess we hung too many ornaments on one side of the tree," we heard him say later as he hoisted the mangled Cat-mas tree back into place.

"Goo-ood answer," we thought.

The Big Owner staggered off to bed, and we retreated to the living room. Maybe we'll tear down those stockings that were hung by the chimney "with care".

It was a good day.

1 comment:

Lemon Stand said...

KUDOS for a GREAT post! (Although I hope the Penguin gets to come home soon!)