Thursday, November 09, 2006

FEELING BLUISH

Well, Happy Hump Day. Yeah, yeah, I know it's a cheap giggle, but it's all I've got so... suppose we work with it, okay? :)

Although technically, Hump Day is over which is a very good thing from where I'm sitting....just means the weekend is that much closer. I've been feeling blue - actually, more like charcoal gray, but that would just make me sound like an idiot. Let's not give anybody more reason to go there. Especially me - I'm working on positive self-talk.

I'm trying to pinpoint what's bothering me - so far, not too successfully. I have managed to identify a few things...but that really doesn't help much either, because there's not a darn thing I can do about them.

Okay, that's not true. I CAN control how I react to anything and I'm working so hard to do that all the time. I love that saying: "Be patient - God's not done with me yet." I'm so not done with me either.

First off, I have to say to anyone who recognizes themself in this post, please understand that your words have meant so much to me. The problem lies only in my reaction to the outpouring of kindness. I'm struggling to understand myself better - it disturbs me to feel this way. As though I'm somehow rejecting the reaching out of new friends and their absolute decency.

I posted something on a board that started a chain of events (in the November archives "One is not the only way.") In the post, I mentioned that my former husband was abusive. It sparked reactions from others I didn't expect, and I received postings and many emails offering encouragement and support. It surprised me. No, it stunned me. Several of them made me cry. I'm much better at giving than receiving. It's been really hard to accept, and I've spent the last few days trying to figure out why.

While the stirred up emotions that prompted my post aren't new ones, I've learned to accept they're a part of who I've become. Usually, I'm able to be pretty matter-of-fact. This is what happened; this is what I did about it. Yes it was hard, but I don't deserve accolades for taking control of my life the way I should have a long time ago.


I'm so uncomfortable being called an inspiration or applauded for being courageous. I'm not. I was a complete mess and only did the best I could on any given day. Believe me, some days, that wasn't very good at all. I only did what I had to do. The way I see it, leaving my abusive husband was a matter of finally deciding to face reality and become un-stupid.

Perhaps my inability to accept that other's see something in me I can't imagine is left-over guilt: for staying as long as I did, for the mistakes I made, for not being able to move past my own issues and help other women in that situation, the way I want to. Perhaps it's the stubborn desire not to let my past define me. Maybe I'm afraid to open up to others. Likely, the part of my personality that allowed me to become a victim in the first place is still in the struggle to find a balance. I don't know. All I do know is I'm really uncomfortable and I have to keep working on it.

My relationship with the Prince also has a lot to do with my current mood. We barely see each other anymore. When we do, our conversation usually ends up in a disagreeement. I'm tired of being lonely. I find myself questioning if I've gone through so much, only to end up in a relationship like this. And then I feel so damn guilty.

He's a good man, my best friend, a hard worker and one of the most decent people I've ever met. With him, I learned to love again. I know what a gift that is. We've struggled through so many difficulties together because our commitment has been so strong. Yet now, we seem to live separate lives.


Earlier this week, he told me he's re-structuring the business and opening two more dealerships. From a business point of view, it's the right move at the right time.

Personally, my first thought was that it will be the event that triggers the end of our relationship. Love for each other aside, we barely manage to maintain a semi-normal existence as it is, and it's negatively impacted our whole family. The demands on what little time he has left will destroy even that. I felt like my world was crumbling in upon my head. That night, after he went to sleep, I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I've had in years. Anyone who's experienced a true anxiety attack knows it is not a fun filled event.

So, once again, I'm facing a cross-road and I'm not sure which way to turn. The coward in me wants to run away and hide my head in the sand. Maybe that's another reason why I'm so uncomfortable with being called courageous.
My moods are usually reflected in the music I choose and there's no exception here. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this band, and this song is wicked good listening for my current mood.
Looking Through Glass
by Stone Sour
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God, it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
No one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
How do you feel?
That is the question
But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
No one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
How much is real?
So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
No one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
No one ever tells you that forever
feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the stars, the stars
That shine for you
And it's the stars, the stars
That lie to you, yeah
And it's the stars, the stars
That shine for you
And it's the stars, the stars,
That lie to you, yeah
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the stars, the stars
That shine for you, yeah
And it's the stars, the stars
That lie to you, yeah
And it's the stars, the stars
That shine for you, yeah
And it's the stars, the stars
That lie to you, yeah
Oh, we're the stars
Oh, we're the stars that lie

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