IN THE LIVING WE MUST LEARN

"We gather strength from sadness and from pain. Each time we die we learn to live again." ~Unknown

No matter how much I fight it, sadness and uncertainty have been the over riding themes of my life lately. The past few months have been a time of deep soul-searching. Trying to figure out how I ended up at the place I am. What I want for the future. How to fix the things that are wrong right now.

People are the root of everything that matters to me. My family most importantly. Friends, aquaintances, even strangers I don't know. I long to be the type of person who impacts others positively, in whatever small way I interact with them. Tonight, I feel like a failure in every way that counts.

Supah Stah and I had an enormous argument - it rapidly spun into an irrational shouting match - and it was both typical and atypical. Typical of disagreements that degenerte into shouting matches, it solved nothing - true communication had become impossible. It was also typical because it began with the mundane mother-teenage son drivel that, at the time, seems important. In retrospect, the spark was insignificant compared to the deeper issues.

Those issues are what made it atypical. I think my family may be broken beyond repair.

Earlier this year, the Prince and I seperated for a few months, with the agreement that we were still committed to our relationship. We went to couples counselling. It was HARD. Our counsellor was terrific and we made a lot of positive changes. When the Prince moved back in, we thought we really had a chance at overcoming our problems. It wasn't perfect, but we felt we had new skills to cope.

Then, as it does, life got in the way and we reverted to familiar old habits. Although we both realized it was happening, I don' t think there had been enough forgiveness. I don't know. Our problems are affecting the whole family in such a negative way. The Prince and I are both scrambling to try to fix it, but it feels like a slow, steady drowning.

Supah Stah blew up tonight and his words cut me to the quick. He spoke the words I've been feeling and my heart ached for him and the girls. "This isn't a family!" he yelled. "This is five people fighting to have their own lives. We just happen to live in the same house!"

I don't know where we began to go wrong. I love the Prince. I know he loves me and the kids. He's a very good person and I know he believes he's doing what's right for them. He's not cruel or abusive. But we're at complete opposites in almost everything we do, say or think. The worst thing is, I have no idea how to fix it. Is ours a case of people loving each other, wanting the best for each other, and still not being good for each other?

I'm not ready to answer that yet, but life goes on.