Thankfully, I missed out on all the April Fool's jokes...well, except for Cyber-Mom's most excellent gag on the BB...
CMDR...thank you for the invitation to your wedding! Wow, XO/H&K as the Matron of Honor...R&R, V-medic, Sheri, Sinful all flower girls. I don't know how you managed the coup of having Super-T give you away, walking you down the aisle in his Navy dress whites! Wow, you finally accepted Bob's proposal! Was it that 3 caret diamond solitaire set in platinum that changed your mind? Makes a Cyber-Mom all weepy just thinking about this awesome occasion!
Oh, man....I really wish I'd been around for that one. Her shrieking musta been record-breaking : D
OH HOLY KERAP...KETHUMP'ed my head on the desk...OUCH! I ACTUALLY had a terrifying 15 seconds of going "OHWTF??!!?!?...I DID??!!?!?"...wheweeeee (you hit on the one thing I NEVER, EVER, NEVER want to do as long as I live...blech!) NICE MOM...GOOD ONE...genuflects to the West and standing ovulations a wee bit South:) BUT...had this been a true and actual event about to happen... I am positive all I would have to do is dump the arrangements in Sin's MORE than capable hands...next thing you know..
we would all be sitting on camels in front of one of those drive up wedding chapels in Vegas....Eating corn dogs and drinking daiquiri's, made from Sig's mushed up juggling banana's....(Sin in the background yelling "HURRY UP SIG...My portable blender's battery is dying)....not to mention that the treat bags with the lil' bottles of JD in chocolate are starting to melt...or did she really eat/drink them ALL???? (we may never know)Still trying to get everyone to stand still for a Kodak moment, but not having much success....
V-medic and Sheri...have OBVIOUSLY snuck off with the Crown R and the black bag...and are imbibing liberally...I suspect the libations have gone to their head's...due to the fact that they are now trying to convince innocent passers-by that it would be a good idea to join them in a rousing round of karaoke....picking "In the Navy" as their song of choice
R&R would be body slamming all Elvis impersonator's SCREAMING "MINE, MINE, MINE...THE KING IS MINE" GBG would be throwing out one-liners about the whole thing being a bigger circus THAN her wedding night...thinking "I might as well just go lie down beside that camel and rest a bit..(afterall, it's hard signing a Credit Card slip to get that many people out of the brig.) I will need my strength later when the cops show up,.....WONDER where the Jagermister is?....DAMN, V and Sheri probably took it TOO!" T (sans hat, cause he INSISTS on wearing that Fuchsia tiara...plastic beads getting stuck on all those medals pinned to his chest)...would be off trying to convince Carrie that duct tape wasn't appropriate for corralling Bob's run away goats, not to mention....that should the goats REALLY be in the bushes....that he Super T, himself, would take care of the horrify spectacle...Carrie could stand down and go duct tape Bob....who at this point... has calculated the cost of this farce...decided me and the traveling circus/Elvis impersonator's/daiquiri's/camels/...were WAY above his budget (I am pretty sure this 3 carat diamond/platinum is PASTE)...I am WAY to HIGH maintence...and has gone off to local bait shop to rent a canoe to paddle back to Tibet in...(leaving said goats behind...that Benedict)Causing Sig to load up the potato launcher...sharpen her knives and try to "convince" him it would be a GREAT idea to stay put....(let him go Sig...trust me...just let him go:)....
WHICH leaves me...the BLUSHING Bridezilla Picking fleas from the camel off of myself...eating the daisy's out of my bouquet...wondering if I could get my last, last 15 second fiancee, Andre' to fill in for Bob. Admiring the XO and her rented Chihuahua (really a rat on a leash we all conned her into believing is a Chihuahua, cause she's too drunk to know the difference).... hoping she doesn't actually wreck the Hummer...cause I am not sure we have "COLLISION INSURANCE" this TIME! But my big questions would be....do I get to keep the paste ring...AND....the Smith & Wesson AND the new toaster?...'Cause I gotta tell ya, someone tries to take back that new toaster....and the S&W is making an appearance:)
Can you just imagine what this woman's wedding would really be like? For fun like that, I'd happily even promise not to bodyslam anyone - although I have to say, I'm really not sure how I got that reputation, but with someone like the CMDR, it's best to just roll with it. Truth be told, I was just all excited about being dubbed a flower girl (was that her nice way of saying I'd be a childish bridesmaid? ;o) Doesn't matter!! Just imagine my joy at the idea of purchasing yet anothertacky hideous BUTT FRIKIN UGLY charming pink satin and taffeta dress...ooohh.
Cmdr...are you sure you don't wanna get hitched again? It's simply been ages since I wasthreatened blackmailed forced at gunpoint honoured to wear one of those gawdforsaken ensembles that just screams Bridezilla wants me to look like Bad Taste Barbie's country cousin, Bo Peep. Is it any wonder bridesmaids always get totally smashed at weddings?
Do you have any idea how many years it took me to figure out guys weren't driven mad with desire by the devastatingly pretty picture bridesmaid's make in their identical dresses, dyed-to-match satin shoes, and ridiculous hair accessories, but rather brilliant opportunists...DUH MOMENT HERE...act like a drunken slut and men don't give a damn what you're wearing...those bad boys will just swoop in to do their best to get you out of it...and not because they feel sorry for you either. Nuh-uh...the groom's brother's buddy doesn't give a rat's ass that your inebriation is a direct result of the humiliation forced upon you, under the guise of friendship, to appear in public donning an outfit most people wouldn't wear to a costume party. Oh, he'll make a show of commiserasting with you, but bridesmaids aren't fooled (once they sober up...and isn't it just too damn late by then?) Wearing the penguin suit is so not the same thing, dude! And what the hell is your name, again??? Really...in some circumstances, blackouts aren't neccesarily a bad thing. *Sigh* Now I'm just getting all nostalgic. ; )
Speaking of fun-beyond-belief events, let's not forget April is TAX SEASON. As you grumble about the government, try to keep your sense of ha-ha.
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
CMDR...thank you for the invitation to your wedding! Wow, XO/H&K as the Matron of Honor...R&R, V-medic, Sheri, Sinful all flower girls. I don't know how you managed the coup of having Super-T give you away, walking you down the aisle in his Navy dress whites! Wow, you finally accepted Bob's proposal! Was it that 3 caret diamond solitaire set in platinum that changed your mind? Makes a Cyber-Mom all weepy just thinking about this awesome occasion!
Oh, man....I really wish I'd been around for that one. Her shrieking musta been record-breaking : D
OH HOLY KERAP...KETHUMP'ed my head on the desk...OUCH! I ACTUALLY had a terrifying 15 seconds of going "OHWTF??!!?!?...I DID??!!?!?"...wheweeeee (you hit on the one thing I NEVER, EVER, NEVER want to do as long as I live...blech!) NICE MOM...GOOD ONE...genuflects to the West and standing ovulations a wee bit South:) BUT...had this been a true and actual event about to happen... I am positive all I would have to do is dump the arrangements in Sin's MORE than capable hands...next thing you know..
we would all be sitting on camels in front of one of those drive up wedding chapels in Vegas....Eating corn dogs and drinking daiquiri's, made from Sig's mushed up juggling banana's....(Sin in the background yelling "HURRY UP SIG...My portable blender's battery is dying)....not to mention that the treat bags with the lil' bottles of JD in chocolate are starting to melt...or did she really eat/drink them ALL???? (we may never know)Still trying to get everyone to stand still for a Kodak moment, but not having much success....
V-medic and Sheri...have OBVIOUSLY snuck off with the Crown R and the black bag...and are imbibing liberally...I suspect the libations have gone to their head's...due to the fact that they are now trying to convince innocent passers-by that it would be a good idea to join them in a rousing round of karaoke....picking "In the Navy" as their song of choice
R&R would be body slamming all Elvis impersonator's SCREAMING "MINE, MINE, MINE...THE KING IS MINE" GBG would be throwing out one-liners about the whole thing being a bigger circus THAN her wedding night...thinking "I might as well just go lie down beside that camel and rest a bit..(afterall, it's hard signing a Credit Card slip to get that many people out of the brig.) I will need my strength later when the cops show up,.....WONDER where the Jagermister is?....DAMN, V and Sheri probably took it TOO!" T (sans hat, cause he INSISTS on wearing that Fuchsia tiara...plastic beads getting stuck on all those medals pinned to his chest)...would be off trying to convince Carrie that duct tape wasn't appropriate for corralling Bob's run away goats, not to mention....that should the goats REALLY be in the bushes....that he Super T, himself, would take care of the horrify spectacle...Carrie could stand down and go duct tape Bob....who at this point... has calculated the cost of this farce...decided me and the traveling circus/Elvis impersonator's/daiquiri's/camels/...were WAY above his budget (I am pretty sure this 3 carat diamond/platinum is PASTE)...I am WAY to HIGH maintence...and has gone off to local bait shop to rent a canoe to paddle back to Tibet in...(leaving said goats behind...that Benedict)Causing Sig to load up the potato launcher...sharpen her knives and try to "convince" him it would be a GREAT idea to stay put....(let him go Sig...trust me...just let him go:)....
WHICH leaves me...the BLUSHING Bridezilla Picking fleas from the camel off of myself...eating the daisy's out of my bouquet...wondering if I could get my last, last 15 second fiancee, Andre' to fill in for Bob. Admiring the XO and her rented Chihuahua (really a rat on a leash we all conned her into believing is a Chihuahua, cause she's too drunk to know the difference).... hoping she doesn't actually wreck the Hummer...cause I am not sure we have "COLLISION INSURANCE" this TIME! But my big questions would be....do I get to keep the paste ring...AND....the Smith & Wesson AND the new toaster?...'Cause I gotta tell ya, someone tries to take back that new toaster....and the S&W is making an appearance:)
Can you just imagine what this woman's wedding would really be like? For fun like that, I'd happily even promise not to bodyslam anyone - although I have to say, I'm really not sure how I got that reputation, but with someone like the CMDR, it's best to just roll with it. Truth be told, I was just all excited about being dubbed a flower girl (was that her nice way of saying I'd be a childish bridesmaid? ;o) Doesn't matter!! Just imagine my joy at the idea of purchasing yet another
Cmdr...are you sure you don't wanna get hitched again? It's simply been ages since I was
Do you have any idea how many years it took me to figure out guys weren't driven mad with desire by the devastatingly pretty picture bridesmaid's make in their identical dresses, dyed-to-match satin shoes, and ridiculous hair accessories, but rather brilliant opportunists...DUH MOMENT HERE...act like a drunken slut and men don't give a damn what you're wearing...those bad boys will just swoop in to do their best to get you out of it...and not because they feel sorry for you either. Nuh-uh...the groom's brother's buddy doesn't give a rat's ass that your inebriation is a direct result of the humiliation forced upon you, under the guise of friendship, to appear in public donning an outfit most people wouldn't wear to a costume party. Oh, he'll make a show of commiserasting with you, but bridesmaids aren't fooled (once they sober up...and isn't it just too damn late by then?) Wearing the penguin suit is so not the same thing, dude! And what the hell is your name, again??? Really...in some circumstances, blackouts aren't neccesarily a bad thing. *Sigh* Now I'm just getting all nostalgic. ; )
Speaking of fun-beyond-belief events, let's not forget April is TAX SEASON. As you grumble about the government, try to keep your sense of ha-ha.
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
3 comments:
FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD WOMAN...NO...and I mean it!!! no more NEW Weddings:)....('sides...all that pink taffeta you are sporting will askeer the camels:)....)
Taffeta? Really?? I thought for sure it'd be Nomex.
My most excellent thought was that my dd and I are overdue to re-watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure ... not that the above scenario doesn't sound amazingly cinematic :)
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